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2.04.2009

Irrational

It is truly amazing how we, as women, can be so irrational. The past few days I have been overly emotional. I’m not sure why, but who knows these things?

So my irrationality was evident last night. Andy was supposed to get out of class at 8:40. I was waiting for him to call so I could start dinner. I was SO hungry and tired and fed up with being home alone all night. At 9:00 I still hadn’t heard from him, so I started dinner. When it was close to being done, I tried Andy’s phone and it went straight to voicemail.

Annoyed.

Why isn’t his phone on? Must be dead. Maybe he’s on the phone with someone. No, it must be dead.

So I called again. Straight to voicemail.

Why would his phone be off? What if he is trying to avoid me? What if he has decided that he made a huge mistake marrying me, and is on his way out of state right now with everything in our bank account in his back pocket? I look down at the dogs. No, he couldn’t leave the dogs. He loves them too much. What if he comes back for them when I’m at work tomorrow? I imagine myself calling my sister and sobbing “he has left me!” in the phone.

Then, as quickly as this vision starts, another hits me.

Why would his phone be dead? What if he was in a wreck, and he and his phone were thrown miles from the car? What if he is laying in a ditch somewhere, blue lights flashing and EMTs putting him on a stretcher?

I then decide to look out the window and wait patiently. Upon this move, my mind reels back to a book I read last summer. In the book, the woman was waiting for her husband and two daughters to come home from a camping trip, and they never came home – instead, police showed up at her door to tell her that her family was dead.

I start slightly freaking out as this picture plays out in my mind. Oddly enough, I can picture the whole scene. I can even imagine falling to the ground and crying. I can imagine forgetting about the bread in the oven.

By this point I am in a pure panic. I call his phone – again. This time it rings. IT RINGS! And then he answers quickly, “hey baby, can I call you right back? I’m still at school.” And we hang up, and as sure as the visions start, they end.

Still at school? What in the world? Does he not realize it is almost 9:30 and I haven’t eaten? I am starving. What if I faint? Next time I’m going to make a Crock Pot meal that I can eat and leave the rest for him in the pot. That would be generous of me, letting it stay warm! I should just eat without him. I am so hungry! I cover my eyes with my hands and actually start to cry at this point. Then I stop. The tears aren’t really there for me to cry. I’m not really sure if I’m upset or just hungry.

I reach to stir the spaghetti sauce and think about fixing my plate. Oh, I bet he is so hungry himself. He works so hard. He has been at work all day, and then went straight to school. I’m sure he is weak with hunger. What a wonderful husband he is, working so hard to support us at this time in our lives.

Yes, what a wonderful husband I have!

So, now that you all know how incredibly irrational I can be, I will say that if you haven’t figured it out – I have a WILD imagination. One thought leads to another which leads to another. Unfortunately, this is not a good thing. One of my greatest fears is losing someone I love, and sometimes these fears play themselves out in my visions. I have even seen myself with my 5-year-old nephew cradled in my arms after being hit by a vehicle. In the vision I am screaming, holding him as his eyes close. I know this is an AWFUL scene, and I know many that read this will think I’m a morbid freak. But this is me, and it really is uncontrollable.

I have had visions of my funeral. Who is crying? Will there be music? Will Andy be okay?

Fortunately, I stay busy enough that these visions don’t creep into my mind too terribly often. But, what does this all boil down to? My irrational fears, coming out in dreams (day dreams and night dreams). I can only imagine what I will be like after having a child. And I know it seems somewhat cheesy, but after I have a horrible vision such as the ones stated above, I inevitably start to pray – because that is the only way that can get the vision out of my head – asking God to please protect my family first and foremost, and then myself.

I think back to Nebuchadnezzar’s dream that was frightening to him. I can relate to this feeling as my own dreams and visions often leave me breathless and scared. But Daniel was able to interpret Nebuchadnezzar’s dream, and in that interpretation was able to explain the powerful significance of his dream, from the head of gold to the ten toes to the stone that strikes the feet, crumbling the image. And my reasoning for bringing this in? Even when we don’t understand our own self, our own dreams, visions, goals, LIFE…God does. We will probably never have a prophet like Daniel to be able to assure us of our future by revealing the meaning of our dreams, but we do have the knowledge that God knows our past, present, and our future.

I do believe that I have this wild imagination and intricate dreams and visions for a reason. I believe that this is a part of my personality that God gave to me to understand what I have and what could so easily be lost. And with that thought, it all becomes bearable – because I know that no matter how bad the vision or dream that I have at a certain time is, God is seeing it with me and uses it to help me understand the blessings in my life.

Daniel 2:37 +
“And in the days of these kings shall the GOD OF HEAVEN SET UP A KINGDOM, WHICH SHALL NEVER BE DESTROYED: and the kingdom shall not be left to other people, but it shall break in pieces and consume all these kingdoms, and it shall stand forever…The great God hath made known what SHALL BE HEREAFTER: and the DREAM IS CERTAIN, AND THE INTERPRETATION THEREOF SURE.”

1 comment:

Cory said...

I remember one time when David and I were first married, I was at home waiting for him and he was late. I had some of those same thoughts that you did - what if he's dead on the side of the road type things. I was crying over the ironing board when he got home. He thought I was a total loon!