Open Heart

It is past 10 on a Sunday and I have yet to even start getting ready for bed, which I will most definitely regret tomorrow morning. I have had a lot on my mind tonight that I just can't sort through unless I get it down on paper (or screen). Please bear (bare?) with me as I get these thoughts out. They may not make much sense because my feelings right now don't.

First of all, I am very happy right now. I know this, in part, is due to extreme bursts of happy hormones, but I am overwhelmed with happiness towards my wonderful husband, towards the fact that I am carrying a precious little one, and for all we have. Andy has been working for the past week on a beautiful deck and pergola that we are so excited about. His parents are buying us some patio furniture for Andy's graduation present (in THREE WEEKS!) and I am anxiously awaiting being able to sit outside in a lawnchair in the summer and read my books!! The thought makes me extremely happy.

On the way to my parent's house tonight Andy and I discussed our school loans. It is looking like when we both get out, our payments will be a huge lump sum each month- yes, just for school loans. I know that we won't ever regret continuing our education, but it is a huge payment, almost the size of our mortgage. This thought really freaked me out. I have already been a little freaked out by the extra $225 we have to pay EVERY month for the next seven months at each OB visit, but the thought of the school loan payment made me ill, especially since I will be getting out of school as I start my third trimester, which means that I will need to start paying on my school loans shortly after that.

Anyway, that was weighing heavy on my mind as well as the many things we need to buy for the nursery. These are all things that are so exciting and that I know we will be happy with, but I have been slightly freaking out about all of the extra costs...but, I knew a baby was expensive!!!

So on the way home my thoughts went back to someone I once was close to. This person had everything handed to them throughout life and still does. They have really been fed from a silver spoon their entire life, and this thought has been a sore spot for me. My feelings are so jumbled about this and it really upsets me that I am really struggling with being happy for this person. I want to be happy for them, but I find it so hard to be when Andy and I work so hard for what we have and truly appreciate all we have and this person is given everything and has little to worry about (financially). I asked Andy in the car if he ever struggles with being happy for someone, and he explained that it is hard sometimes but you have to remove yourself from the situation and just try not to think about it.

It is difficult. I want to be happy for them, and I feel that I could be happy for them 100% if I knew they really understood the gifts they were given and were appreciative of them...but I don't know that. What if they could care less? What if they feel they deserve it and that it's no big deal? What if they were hit with a huge monthly school loan would they feel then?

I prayed on the way home for God to heal my heart and to make me realize that I am blessed beyond measure in so many ways that this person is not. I just want to be truly happy for them - as well as for everyone else that I come into contact with...but how is it possible? How do you get past your own hurt and struggles to feel really joyful for someone else?

I know there is no good answer for this...I know that the answer lies deep in a variety of red and black words that I always seem to find comfort in. I just wonder...will I ever get past this feeling, especially when we are struggling with financial issues? Sure, I can learn to be happy for other people when I get my bills paid off and we are living the high life with a huge house and fancy cars...but what about until then (or...forget the first part, since I don't know if that will ever happen)?

I will continue to thank God daily for our blessings, for our beautiful marriage and the amazing child we are being blessed with and the ability to own our house and be independent. I will continue to pray for forgiveness for the feelings that I am struggling with, and will also continue to ask God to give me an open heart and learn to be honestly happy for those around me. I will also ask that I can continue to be happy and never forget how blessed we really are...I will pray that God will show true appreciation for the person mentioned above and hope that they really do understand what all they have, and never take it for granted.

Luke 15:25-32
"Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on. 'Your brother has come,' he replied, 'and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.'
"The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. But he answered his father, 'Look! All these years I've been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!'
"My son,' the father said, 'you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.'"

1 comment:

Lindsey said...

Ahhh I think we all struggle with this one. No matter where we are in life, there will always be someone who has more. I completely understand your financial frustrations. I went from being in a two-salary home to living by myself and still having to pay for everything (mortgage, new car, utilities, school loans, etc, etc..). There are times when I am so frustrated and wonder how I could end up in a situation like this. But then I try to remember that I own a home, I drive a safe vehicle, I am never hungry, and I crawl into a warm bed at night. Then the next day I wish I could go shopping or have satellite tv. We are so spoiled! I think we just have to constantly remind ourselves how truly blessed we are!