I'm pretty sure today I lost a friend.
After constant prayer and deep conversations with my sister and husband, I made a very hard decision to be honest with someone that I have been friends with for awhile. I have prayed and really thought about this decision to be honest for a long time, and I saw an opening and took it. She didn't take it very well, which I understand.
I've never been the type to tell people how I really feel. I usually hold things in until I can find a way to vent them out. I know that I've held onto something for too long whenever I start having dreams that I'm screaming at the person that I'm upset with. I have had those dreams about different people throughout my life, and it is all because that is how I really feel but never acted on it. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of dreams that leave me sweating and breathless. I'm tired of not being honest and hiding my real feelings. I'm tired of letting the hurt from the past haunt me and faking a friendship.
The crazy thing is, I honestly care about this person. I wish nothing but the best for her and I hope she finds everything that will make her happy in life. We are just so different now. Can you really be REAL friends with someone if you have totally conflicting views on everything about life? Through my recent walk towards following God's true teachings, I have really evaluated my friends on if they were the type of people that share the same goal as I do. Would I call them when I had a problem? Would they understand if I was upset? Do they know what I have been going through the past few months? Do they know I've had two recent surgeries? The answer to all of these questions today was no. And no, she didn't understand that I was upset. She was equally upset back at me for my honesty. I don't blame her on this; she is going through a stressful time right now and needs close friends surrounding her. I just don't feel like that person is me.
Having said all that, I realized yesterday when Andy was holding me, trying to comfort me from overwhelming feelings of sadness, doubt, confusion, and anger, that friends are so hard to come by. Friends that honestly care about you and understand your feelings. Friends that actually are upset when you're upset and friends that you can call and say "please pray for me" or even "please pray for my aunt/uncle/grandmother/whatever right now" and they will say, "of course, I will be thinking of you." Friends that actually remember what you are going through and ask you about it. Friends that want to share your joy without taking from it or share your sadness without running. Those are the relationships I crave and that are so hard to find.
I used to think that once you were married and settled down, that things got easier. Relationships are pretty much set, you get a job, everything settles down. No more drama, no more hard issues to deal with. This is so not true. The only difference is that I have one constant, my husband, that I can run to for shelter, who will love me no matter the decision I make. But decisions as an adult are hard. Especially once you truly want to follow Christ's example and try to be a better person. But I guess God never guaranteed that life would be easy. It's the trials and tribuluations that mold us into the character that He wants us to be. It's the true struggle that shows God that we are really trying and that during the worst valleys of life, we are still trying to do what we think God wants us to do. This decision was one of those--a decision to make myself better and follow the person God wants me to be. I can only hope that in time she will understand the reasons behind my feelings--but until then, I can only pray for God to keep directing my walk on this bumpy, scary, sweet path.
John 16:33
"These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world."
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2 comments:
Danya, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It is really hard to know when you need to keep trying to be a good example, and when it's time to let go. I think all our young people really need to make a point to get together more, so that we can help fill these gaps for each other.
BTW, I have those screaming dreams about people too, when I've bottled up something. It's weird.
I'm sorry you have had such a rough time lately and that the consequence has been the lose of someone you once considered a friend.
The realization that your goals and mindset are not the same as someone you once considered a dear friend is a very unsettling event I have also recently went through, resulting in many a late nights and shed tears.
I don't personally believe people with radically different views can never be friends (my best friend is a devout Christian, and as you know, I am not), but both have to be willing to be there for one another no matter what, and understand that certain things are important to them even if they are not to you. Sometimes this is just being there when they need to cry and trying your best to make the pain go away.
I agree that certain things would break a friendship, such as the things you mentioned in your well worded blog, and an inability to see the other person's point of view, or an involvement in activities you deem immoral (for me this could be illegal activities or persecution of others by either physical, mental or verbal abuse). We have to understand that this set of "deal breakers" is different for everyone, but to truly be someone's friend there has to be some level of trust, and if that isn't there, you have to do as you mentioned and "pretend" or hurt their feelings.
A good friend does the following:
Is there when you need them no matter of their current situation or circumstances
Keeps you from being involved in activities that could harm you or those you care about (would never involve you in said activities).
Understands you might not see eye-to-eye on everything but makes an attempt anyway.
Considers you family.
These are just a few things I consider important, but I have no doubt that if something horrible happened today my best friend would be on a plane within hours on her way to PA to help me make it through it (and myself for her).
This is how I judge how good a friend is, would they make the trip?
Know you made the right decision no matter the outcome, and those who constantly take are not worth your time in the long run (because they leave you when you need them most). It's sad on their part, they had a good friend they lost due to self-absorption.
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